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Sedgwick The Thief/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW Thank you very much. Got an exciting show. A bunch of us are building a cable car ride at rock reef point by duct taping grocery carts to a garage door opener. Only need one more part. Did you get that nine-volt battery? No, not exactly. Old man sedgwick was going into town. I asked him to pick up the battery and get some licorice. Harold, old man sedgwick is not reliable. His brain only lasted this long 'cause he never uses it. Whenever he goes to town he just steals something, comes home in a police car. Well then, I guess he didn't do as I asked. He didn't bring back a nine-volt battery, huh? Ok, well then, maybe you can explain this. Wait a sec, that's not it. That's not a battery. I got one -- just a sec. Hold it. Ohh-oo. What do you say now? (sirens) officer, the guy you're looking for is right here. (horns honking) (geese honking) (quacking) (red): Today garth shows you how to get rid of pigeons. I'll make a cable car to get you up the mountain, buzz sherwood has made a trailer for his airplane. Here's the bad news: Harold is harold. Old man sedgwick's in the slammer. It's ok, harold, you can come out now. (audience laughing) he only stole a battery -- surely they won't incarcerate him. Or is there an election coming up? It's not so much the theft. It was resisting arrest, throwing the meat pies and making the body noises in the back of the cruiser. You know what?! -- This is great. I could be his lawyer. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know about law. I've got every episode of "law and order" on tape. I know all about tenets and precedents. You don't know much about briefs. (laughing) aha! (red): Keeping with the theme of criminal activity, bill's going to teach you how to watch out for pickpockets. The main thing is pay attention. Garth harble here, animal control, with another important tip on how you control animals. Come on in here, red. A bit of a head injury. Chasing bears in a cave? No -- exactly the opposite. Boy, did I nail myself. Smacked right into a stalactite. Bears didn't eat me though. When I went down they must have thought something was wrong with me. Bears are smart that way. I lay in that cave for half a day, unconscious. When my boss, leo, found out, he docked me four hours pay. I hope leo dies before I do. I can't wait to see the look on his face when I don't show up at his funeral. Garth, do you have a tip of any kind for us here? Huh? An animal tip of any kind? Oh, oh, oh -- pigeons. Pigeons are an important link in the ecological chain because they take things like grubs and foodstuffs and they redistribute them from the sky, usually on your front walk or your windshield. Red, one way to get rid of pigeons is with a grenade launcher, like this. (making shooting noises) of course, we can't do that. No? No, we can't. You know what we do at the lodge? We take lead pellets, cover them with honey. Get a pigeon to eat a few of those and he's travelling on foot for a while. I'll pretend I didn't hear that, red. What you need is this stuff, sticky grease. Pigeons do not like to perch on gooey stuff. So I load my squirt gun with a bunch of this sticky grease, and then I spray it all over the eavestroughs. That gets rid of the pigeons. See, look there. There they go now. I'm thinking that grease works as a bit of a laxative, too. Another super day. ♪ oh, I have an old car ♪ ♪ the seats are all stained ♪ ♪ it was old when I bought it ♪ ♪ and that hasn't changed ♪ ♪ I had my first date in it ♪ ♪ my first kiss, my first pass ♪ ♪ my first romantic encounter when I ran out of gas ♪ (laughing) ♪ my first parking infraction ♪ ♪ my first toxic leak ♪ ♪ and still not my first car payment ♪ ♪ but I'm hoping to have the money together ♪ ♪ by early next week ♪ with old man sedgwick in jail, and them holding that nine-volt battery as evidence, my plan for a cable car is on hold. So I've come up with an alternate plan. I'll show you how you can build one of these yourself, even if you're like me, nine-volt battery impaired. You'll need a spare tire like the ones on your car. If you don't have a spare, hang around the mall parking lots until somebody with your kind of car comes in. Trunks are pretty easy to open. I suppose if all the cars are nicer than yours, try hanging out at wal-mart. First, pry the tire right off the rim. There's a good reminder. What you want to do is take the air out of the tire first. (hissing) oh my gosh, that smells... Oh, must be prince charles' tire. Smells like the "air" to the throne. All right, that tire should just pop right off I would think. She's coming. (coughing) it's just that easy. Now what you want to do is attach the rim-- (sizzling) you want to let her cool off a bit. Get a clothesline with the clothes on it. These aren't hard to come by. All you need is a pair of cutters and a dark night. Take the clothes off. Then you want to get your rim and attach that to the outside of one of the drive wheels on your car. That's good enough. You can hold this on with bolts, or weld that on there, but remember, there's going to be people in this cable car. So you want to attach this with something you'd trust your life to. All right, now, this is a car, and this is a cable... Hence the term "cable car". Only needs one more thing to make it work. (panting) a tree at the top of the hill to wind the cable around. Now, all's I have to do is go back to the car, attach this to the front. Next time I'll be able to come up the hill... Without walking. All right, what you want to do is thread that through your front bumper, and secure that. Snug her right up. Get her snug. As soon as I start the engine and pop her into gear it will tighten the cable and the car will pull itself up the hill with the passengers safely inside. They got a heated compartment in here. You got music. You got your beverage containers. And the beauty is you don't even have to steer. Let's give her a try. (engine starting) (engine revving) all right, that was my fault. I just got to attach the cable to something a bit more secure. I removed some of the excess weight. It's gonna run better now. I've secured the cable to the frame. Hindsight's always 20-20. Usually comes from somebody who wasn't there. Remember, if the women don't find you handsome they should at least find you handy. They'll find me at the top of the ski hill. (engine starting) (engine revving) stay tuned for buzz sherwood saying hello. You got new neighbours moving in down the street. They look ok from a distance. As you're peering at them through your binoculars to see if their faces look familiar to you from television shows like "america's most wanted", your wife tells you to put your pants on, she's invited the new people over. I know you're thinking you already know more people than you want to know. And anybody who would buy a house on the same street as a chlorine factory is an idiot, except for you, of course. But you've got entirely the wrong attitude. When the moving van pulls in, run over, say "howdy, neighbour," all the time, keeping an eye on everything. You're looking for power tools, gardening equipment and especially a big-screen t.V. When it becomes obvious that they're better off than you, figure out some way the families can get together once a week, even more often during the playoffs. It's ok to give a little as long as you get a lot. That's called free trade. Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together. (applause) we got old man sedgwick out of the hoosegow, but we had to sit through quite a few cases. The courtroom was packed. I haven't seen that many old friends since my high school reunion. Tell them about flinty mcclintock parking his car on his neighbour's roof. Oh no, that was an accident. Not when it's on the roof. In the living room or the lawn maybe, but not the roof. Flinty's brakes failed. Those ladders happened to be leaning against the house the same distance apart as flinty's wheels, and up she went. It happens. How come the shingles were so messed up? Well, it took him a couple of tries. The judge was going to let old man sedgwick off, but f. Lee doofus spoke up for him. He got sentenced to 100 hours of community service. We don't have that big a community. That means we each have to spend an hour with the guy, so we all get punished. The judge released mr. Old man into uncle red's custody. Are you ready to be responsible for a misfit? I'm pretty much used to it actually. Safety is everything, but it's got nothing on buzz sherwood. Hey, it's the big red guy! Harold! That's fun. Hey, I got something to show you. I got a new plane trailer. A trailer to put your plane on, tow behind the car. It's probably a lot safer than flying her. No, no, no, I got a plane trailer. A trailer that my plane can tow. You're going to tow this behind your plane? How else are you going to get a boat to fly? I even got the mirrors for backing up. Red, I was thinking, with my plane trailer, I can carry more stuff, more people, make fewer trips, use less fuel. Aren't you afraid of crashing? Why? From the extra weight? What do you mean? The extra weight of this unit is probably going to make your plane crash. I don't understand. Your plane can only carry so many pounds, right? Which is so great about the plane trailer. It takes all the extra weight. Yeah, but it's attached to the plane. Which doesn't have to carry a thing. All right, ok, maybe I'm wrong. You carry on. Just do me a favour. Don't fly this stuff over the lodge, all right? Right, right, sure. Old man sedgwick seems to be doing ok with his mandatory community service. He volunteered as a crossing guard in front of the legion. It's odd to see those guys who served in combat to have to ask permission to cross the street. He's gonna get somebody killed. He's got everybody waiting till a vehicle comes. Then he jumps in front of it with a big sign making big gestures. Big stuff, big wow! It's childish. He's a crossing guard. If he doesn't stop traffic, he serves no purpose. It would be like if you didn't sell this show to a major network. I didn't. Exactly. We did have one set-back. Old man sedgwick stole the stop sign and a few of the guys medals. He's a klepto. He needs help, like a psychologist. A psychologist just moved here. Dr. Stan. He's quite good. Very comfortable chairs. (audience laughing) I think I can get him an appointment for roughly 2:45 tomorrow. There could be a cancellation. No, harold. I'll take old man sedgwick to my house, let my wife look at him. Bernice is good with people. She usually knows what to do with a nut-case. Marries 'em? (laughing) this is a claw hammer. The hammer part is for banging nails in. The claw part is for taking nails out. As I told you earlier, bill's going to show us how to watch out for pickpockets. He's pretending to be friendly, patting around. You know what he's doing, don't ya? He's trying to steal stuff from me. He had my watch. He grabbed my wallet, my pen knife and so on. Car keys -- unbelievable what he can do. Some change and so on. And... Oh, my gosh. I guess I had a hole in one of the pockets. And what... My socks. How... How... How... He took my socks and shoes right off. That is sleight of hand. He'd gone through, apparently, all the guys in the lodge. I guess somebody had been on the phone when he was doing the pickpocket with them. That's unbelievable, isn't it? Apparently, they say, the hand is quicker than the eye. There's a funnel. Somebody had the towel. The rollerblades. By golly, that's amazing. Bill is very good with his fingers. Not really all that good with his head. Somebody had the pail there. He took that out of somebody's pocket. Now he's going to show me how to do it. He's saying to me, "it's just that easy." I've got a trick for him. (laughing) oh, you're fine. Oh, you're fine. Getting back to my lesson. He's saying, "you just grab it "between a couple of fingers like that." he wants me to try it. He's got the wallet. It's not that hard -- but look. He thinks he's so smart. Oh yeah, oh bill. You are the epitome of funny. I'm going to hook the whole unit there onto something that can get this wallet pulled out. Hook that onto my rad. Something that's not rusted out too bad. Let's see how much traction the old girl's got. Got the big eight in her. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you wanna hang onto your money, huh? You'd better guard your health, young man. I got to give him credit. It's really digging in, but, uh... His clothes weren't. I'll be cleaning the windshield till a year from Tuesday. I didn't just pick his pocket. I picked his wardrobe, including everything. And I mean everything. Oh my gosh. He's packing heat. Here's a word we use lot, except it's spelled wrong. Bernice pretty much had old man sedgwick figured out. How long did it take? 'cause sessions can be long. Often it takes four hours to get into the true inner self. Oh, not with bernice it doesn't. She wouldn't let him in. She was afraid he'd steal something. She said everything men do is a shout for attention. We have to spend time with old man sedgwick. Then he'll stop stealing. It is rarely that simple, uncle red. Dr. Stan says -- or I assume he'd say -- that old man sedgwick is going through a difficult transition period, compounded by his fear of girls and bad skin. I'm worried about you, harold. He should try primal screaming in a crystal pyramid. Waaaa! Aaaaah! Haaaa ahhh! Ah! Haaa! I think it's-- haaaa! Sounds like it's time to go a size up on the pants to me. I think we've turned the corner with old man sedgwick. His stealing days are over as far as I can see. Yeah, right, ok. Where are your suspenders? The guy's a born thief. Hey! Uncle red. This is the big one. You have a chance to win two dozen day-old doughnuts. It's the bonus round. Whoa, baby. Ok, you have 30 seconds to make my uncle say this word. Ok, 30 seconds, go. Dependability. Made in japan. In god we... Fear. You've got money to give your kids, you put it in a... Sock drawer. No! Harold is your assistant. You what him? Make fun of him, laugh at him. Ok, ok, he produces, he directs the show. That's because... I want him out of my face. You give harold something to do. He botches it up -- what are your first words? Trust you to screw-- yes, yes, yes! Doughnuts! We gave it an honest try. The guys took turns spending time at old man sedgwick's house. We realized why we try to avoid him. That's cruel. You should be tolerant, and not avoid people 'cause they're different. How is dr. Stan anyway? Good -- he says hello. We cured him of his kleptomania. While we were at his house, we noticed he's got nice stuff. Every time old man sedgwick stole something, we'd steal from him. When he returned it, we'd give his back. That's a proven technique for solving psychological problems that are behavioural rather than clinical. (bell ringing) what's that for? To see if it makes you drool. Old man sedgwick realized that his thieving was causing him to be robbed. He cut out the middle man and stop swiping stuff. (possum squeal) meeting time. I'll be down in a minute. If my wife is watching, I'll be home after the meeting. In the spirit of old man sedgwick, I'll take another shot at stealing your heart, which will signify that I need attention. (bell ringing) and to the rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of harold and myself and the gang, keep your stick on the ice. (applause) (possum squeal) (harold): All rise. (all): Quando omni flunkus, moritati. Closed captions premier subtitling inc. 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